What the Fuck is Fuckable

Heather Matarazzo

Seriously? What the fuck is fuckable?? I don’t know if I can answer that question for you, but I can share my own experience.

When I was 19 or so, I was standing in a Starbucks in West Hollywood with a director, talking about the upcoming film we were about to shoot. It had been a long road, but we had finally made it. Waiting for our coffee, I could see that he seemed a bit uneasy. I asked him if everything was ok. He said yes. I didn’t believe him, so I asked him again. He looked at me and said “Heather, I’m sorry, we have to give your role to another actor. The producers don’t want you.” I didn’t understand. I had been attached to this project for two years, and now two weeks before filming, I’m being let go. I asked him why. He looked me dead…

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New Year: My One Word for 2015 and Why I Can’t Leave 2014 Behind

Such Small Hands

In Korea people don’t stay up until midnight to ring in the New Year. Instead, they get up in the middle of the night and they hike a mountain. They climb through the dark, snowy pre-dawn hours and when they reach the top they stand with their faces to the sky to greet the first sunrise of the New Year.

What a contrast to how we in the West often enter the New Year – stumbling out of bed at noon, tired and quite possibly hungover. For many, January 1st is a day of recovery. We spend New Year’s Eve celebrating the ending of something and the beginning of a new thing. We bombard the internet with reflections on the previous year. Even the less introspective among us take a moment to declare the past year, “the best” or “the hardest” or “the craziest” year of their lives.

I can…

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Leave The Gym Resolutioners Alone

Sass & Balderdash

We’ve all seen them. There could be one next to you right now on the treadmill holding on for dear life and hiking up a level 15 incline. You may have spotted one inquisitively eying a BOSU ball, wondering what manner of cruel and unusual punishment a semi-circle could possibly deliver. They’re the Resolutioners who have taken your gym by storm this January to get started on their weight loss and fitness goals, and they haven’t received the warmest of welcomes.

I used to be a Resolutioner. In fact, I can say with confidence that “losing weight” or “eating better” was probably my staple resolution from the year 2003 through 2011. When it comes to my New Year’s resolutions, it was probably only surpassed in frequency by “This year I’m going to have a boyfriend,” or “This year I’m committing to not being so quiet and weird.”

I never stuck to it. I’d show up to the…

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If I Had a Dollar (Why I Am a Feminist)

Sad but true.

girl in the hat

image courtesy Devil Doll image courtesy Devil Doll

Because my mother was a painter and a beauty when artists had patrons and a woman like that needed a man to take care of her, so she married a money man.

Because my mother’s mother was a beauty and her mother was, too, and that’s what people said: “She was a beautiful woman,” as if that was the only remarkable thing.

Because I was born in 1966, the year Betty Friedan and others started the National Organization of Women and challenged an industry which required flight attendants to quit if they got married, pregnant, or reached the age of 32.

Because when my mother had me, she stopped painting and started cleaning house and throwing dinner parties and smoking too many cigarettes and crying in the mirror.

Because my mother never told me that I looked pretty because she did not want me to grow…

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Back Story,

I was born in Oregon and that state will forever be the cause of my wanderlust. It has to be the most absolutely perfect place I’ve ever been.

When I was four my mother moved my sisters and I to Florida, the “Sunshine State”, (it’s currently raining as I write this) and it’s become my home state. I went to school in a very tiny secluded town and graduated high school with 94 other kids, afterwards I began working at a small gas station, it wasn’t much more than minimum wage.

Around this time is when I met my boyfriend, he’s a dreamboat btw, he was getting out of the Army and going through a divorce but we clicked instantly and everything was perfect… Except it wasn’t.

This is when I gained “real world” life experience. My parents hated my new boyfriend, and I ended up homeless. We both were. All we had was a Chevy Colorado and my minimum wage job, which would JUST pay for a week in a hotel. This lifestyle wasn’t cutting it, the emotional scars it’s left still haven’t healed.

The people I grew up with and the ones who raised me turned their backs on me, my own family had no interest in wether I had a bed to sleep in or food to eat, most nights we slept in the truck parked by the river. My friends didn’t offered their couch and pretended they didn’t know the hell we were going through.

We were desperate and my dad saved us, he offered us a place to stay and promised he wouldn’t turn his back on us, he is literally my hero for this. So I put in my notice at work, we packed all what we could fit in the bed of that Chevy and we set off.. To Oregon.

It took us five days to get there, and that was rough. Once we got there we were swept away by the beauty and the adventure. My dad and grandma had mountains and woods in their back yard and my boyfriend and I could explore for hours! Everything was great and finally we belonged.

Until, my boyfriends truck got repo’d. We were stuck, no way to get jobs there was nothing within walking distance and we couldn’t contribute financially so my boyfriend stormed his resources, found his buddy from the army had a business and offered him a job.. In Boston. So he left and was going to get everything set up and I was going to come afterwards. It took months and we couldn’t stand to be apart any longer so I packed everything I could fit into two suitcases and got on a plane and arrived in Boston.

Alone, no family anywhere close to nearby we ended up hotel hopping until basically a guy my boyfriend met one time offered to let us crash on his couch. And we did for almost a month when things didn’t work out at my boyfriends job so we were on the road again. This time we both traveled by greyhound and we collectively had my two suitcases for all out stuff, downsizing again. Destination? Atlanta Georgia. That lasted about 3 weeks until we couldn’t survive anymore.

We went back to our hometown and literally had to live in a tent by the river, my sister brought us a jar of peanut butter and canned tuna, I couldn’t blame her because she was trying to help and she is much younger than me.

Finally my boyfriend wised up and decided to use his GIBill, get paid to go to school! That led us to Pennsylvania, we spent 9 months there. The last month I was there, I found out I was pregnant. This completely changed my parents mind and they decided to be apart of mine, my boyfriends and ultimately our daughter life.

Returning to our home town, staying with my parents while my boyfriend worked to save money, things went south quickly. My parents kicked us out, while pregnant in the beginning of summer in Florida. If you’ve never been pregnant, in the heat with no way to escape it then your one lucky duck. I was so swollen and so mad. We lived out of the car for two weeks before we found someone willing to work with us on rent.

We finally started to prepare for the arrival of our little girl when I was 6 months pregnant. We eventually moved into a bigger nicer place and October 04th our little girl was born. I’ll work on the details for that one in another post.

What I’ve learned over the course of 2 years of being homeless is to expect anything from anyone, some of the nicest people that helped us out each time we moved were complete strangers when they helped us. We met a family for 8 living in a hotel room with two beds, they genuinely cared enough to try and help us get on our feet. Complete strangers..

The family we learned to depend on growing up completely turned their backs on us, although we’re working on building that bridge again, it’s something you truly cannot forget.

Well guys this is the back story of my adult life! Hope it wasn’t too much of a bore.



Hello world!

 So I’m not very sure who my intended audience is, I suppose I’m starting this blog more for myself as a diary and to gain experience in the writing world. If I ever get any readers, I promise you guys I’ll try and keep this thing entertaining!

I’ll mostly be writing about my life experiences so basically this is me in a nutshell: I’m 20 years old, and your probably thinking what kind of life experience does a 20 year old have? I just may surprise you. I’ve got a wonderful boyfriend, I may not get into writing about our relationship too much. My daughter is almost 4 months old! She’s my world; you’ll probably read about her as we all know kids can be entertaining. And I’ve got 2 dogs, both pitbulls and the most loving dogs. I may write about them some because they pretty much keep me on my toes. Sometimes I’ve got a weird sense of humor. So if any of that tickles your fancy then your in the right place!

I’ll most likely add pictures along the way, but for now, I plan to remain anonymous.